Tuesday

Awful. Binged yesterday morning. Cookies for breakfast!!! What was I
thinking??

Monday

Not too bad but that 0 for exercise is :(

New tracking method

I downloaded a calorie and exercise tracker to keep track of my
intake. Hopefully having to post my data will help make me exercise
more!! I'm so fat and lazy.

Anyway so next I will post Monday and Tuesdays stats in prep for me
starting to post gem ever day to motivate me to exercise.

The worst thing is exceeding your calories and then knowing you have
to meet your boyfriend for dinner.

Inspiration in the strangest places...

I have a severly obese cousin. She would weigh approx 180kg. Mum
mentioned her eating habits and health problems. It is enough to make
me never ever want to binge eat again.
That, and she is fucking gross to look at.

Omg

Sooooo fat. I sat down with my food diary and this is everything I ate
yesterday. I am a blimp.

1 slice multigrain bread with peanut butter & honey
salad with olives, sundried toms & cheese
tea & 3 chocolates
wine 2 glasses
2 mini chicken kebabs, 2 mini quiches
white roll & butter
steak 200g with prawns and cream sauce (at least I didn't eat the chips)
Sponge cake with a cappuccino

I shouldn't need to eat for a week. Sigh.

And because this place is such a hobo ville I can't even check how
many calories that is. I know it's a million.

This also has to be saved as a draft. I am so depressed right now.
Visiting my family always seems like such a good idea, until I get
here!!!

Sigh.

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Feeling fat...

Oh gosh. Seeing my fat family makes me feel awful. Ughghjjj. So awful
awful and fat. I am huge and obese and ugly. I don't even know why bf
likes me. Or anyone wants to hang out with me.

I'm going to change this. Now.

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...

Sometimes life is so confusing. My boyfriends uncle committed suicide
last night. He was a lovely man with a beautiful family. He had
recently had a terrible accident but he seemed to be doing so well...

I have never understood suicide or depression. Mental illness and
depression both run in my family, particularly the latter. My mothers
behaviour while I was young has no doubt manifested itself in me as a
desire to be as perfect as possible to avoid depression. The last
thing I want on this planet, is to be like her. I know many people who
have tried to kill themselves, including my boyfriend, but to me, life
is not only precious, but a challenge.

RIP Uncle B. May God have mercy on you.

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Busted

Totally busted by the bf looking at Ana websites online. Whoops

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Alone

All on my own makes it so easy. Nil calories so far...

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Sometimes all I feel likedoing is crying... even when I have been
successful in my goals. I haven't eaten all day, I've lost weight, im
out with my friends, but I just can't be happy. It's just not food
enough. I'm still so fat. I have so much weight to lose still over
40kg. I'm never fling to look as good as her in that dress, I'm never
going to be that confident or sexy, ill never be rich or glamourous or
desired. He'll never look at me the way he looks at her...

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Fucking useless

I may as well just die. I'm so useless. I cant go one day without
eating. What use am I? I need to get back control.

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Terror

Have been winning all day. Nothing but one small skim no sugar coffee
all day. I'm terrified of dinner though...

I'm meeting my ex-best friend for dinner to try and fix our problems.
I am an emotional eater at the best of times. I also scared that I
willw alk into the restaurant and order cheese and bacon covered
chicken with chips sauce and three lemonades. I need to keep my calm
and order salad and water. Sigh... I don't even trust myself to be
alone in my own house let alone go to a restaurant called Hogs Breath
that specializes in deep fry and steak!!

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More thinspo...

Lindsay is prob one of my fav. gals for thinspo. She manages to be
hot, big breasted, freckled/fair skin and brunette/ranga AND be super
skinny. Her body is an inspiration not how she spends her life.

More thinspo

Thinspo

Some inspiration to keep me focused!!

Hopeless

I am absolutely useless I can't even stay on the band wagon once I
climb back off it. Tomorrow morning I am throwing out all of the
unhealthy food in my house. I am a disgusting disgusting pig and I
can't control myself. As soon as I stop doing anything my thoughts
turn to food.

Tomorrow I will be stronger. I will last all day. I will restrain
myself when I go out to dinner and I will eat as little as possible. I
will become thinner.

I hate being a failure... tomorrow I will continue my quest to
perfection.

Have been reading this as reminder of where my mind needs to be... http://everything2.com/title/How+to+become+a+better+anorexic

Feeling so fat though...

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Day 1

Well. After almost six months of falling off and getting run over by the bandwagon I am back. Back to starvation, convincing myself I hate food and surviving on the only things I will let myself have... Protein shakes, fruit tingles, coffee, tea, vitamins and berrocca. I have started exercising twice daily, an hour of cardio and a half hour of flexibility and weight training. I have almost 45kg to lose before I even resemble a human being. It feels good to be hungry today.

Hopefully by the end of the week I will start seeing results.

Thinking thin... Paige

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